A Letter to Professor Scum

Posted: September 2, 2015 in Miscellaneous

I am so excited to write this entry. Like, as I drove home from class today, I kept thinking about what a nice addition it was going to make to my blog. So here I am sitting in my underwear, cup of coffee in hand, with a self-satisfied smirk on my face. I am too excited to put a towel down, so I’ll just deal with my chapped god-thighs later.

Today there was a minor incident in class. My professor is notorious for being a jerk to students in front of everyone, and that’s exactly what happened to me. But, like any madman would, I embraced the situation and made the worst of it. And by that, I mean I wrote him an email telling him I have diarrhea. Enjoy:

Dr. [Scum],

I hope you’re doing well today and that you’ve had an excellent week so far.

I am sending you this email because of what happened earlier in class. Last week I caught the flu and was absent Wednesday. Today, I have a mild case of what I believe is food poisoning, but since I missed last week, I didn’t want to be absent again. In light of that, I opted to come to class sick (I’m not contagious as far as I know). That is at least part of why I was five minutes late today. Getting here this morning was an enormous struggle.

It turns out coming was a mistake. After being there for only a few minutes, I had to rush out of the room. As I left, I heard you comment to the class about people coming in and out, and how rude you think it is.

I decided that, since you are willing to say something to the class instead of directly to me in private, there was a strong likelihood you would put me on the spot in front of everyone when I returned. And I wasn’t particularly keen on the notion of telling you in front of the class that I had severe diarrhea, and that I had to hurry to the restroom as quickly as possible. Actually, I wasn’t particularly keen on telling you any of that at all, but given the circumstances, I don’t have a choice.

I realize you don’t like your class being disrupted, and I assure you I respect that and will always do my best to abide your wishes. I promise you I’d have remained in the room had that been an option. And when I did leave, I endeavored to be as quiet and non-disruptive as I could. In fact, there was a strong likelihood that I would have needed to leave again later if I came back, so I decided to simply go home instead of further disrupting your class.

I hope you’ll accept my apology for any inconvenience caused today. I promise to do my absolute best to come to class on time or early and then not leave until it’s over. Had things gone my way, that’s precisely what would have transpired. I have no desire to cause issues in your class. Your lectures are fascinating, and I truly do enjoy them.


[The Madman]


This guy really needs to take a look at Rate My Professor. His ratings show what everyone else already understands: His students can’t stand him.

Sept. 4, 2015 UPDATE: I was going to post his response, but as of yet he hasn’t replied. If he does, I’ll post it here. I’ve been checking my email constantly, delightfully looking forward to his reaction. Maybe I rendered him speechless.

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